44

I've just finished my last book of 2008. I've read some amazing books this year but my hands down favorite has got to be The Time Traveler's Wife. I'm not interested in reviewing them and, honestly, I doubt I'll list what I read in 2009. It's too hard for me to remember to post the titles and I know I probably forgot at least 1 or 2 this year. 44 is a good number, an even number, and pretty good considering all the drama and upheaval we've had this year. Now, I'm sitting here looking at my shelves wondering what to read next, wondering if I should go out and buy a new book right now...

*Just so ya know, Outlander and The Outlander on my list are not the same book. Similar titles, very different stories. I recommend both :)

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

Suddenly I think "dubious" is tonight's favorite word. Could it be because I've had too much to drink? Possibly. Vanilla vodka and dubious make for a very entertaining combination :)Damn, and 67 degrees at midnight really, really make me wish it was an EP kinda night.

Lazy, Summery Saturday

The kids are away for the weekend, J is dozing on the couch. The Wii is turned off and the windows are open. Listening to the wind blow through the last remaining dry leaves on the trees out back, hearing the distant hum of a leafblower, and the random twitter of satisfied little birds, I am happy. This Saturday is lazy, slow, and warm, ripening to perfection.

December 26th

I woke up this morning suffering from a Christmas hangover. It's just like a regular hangover but without all the alcohol. Was it from excessive Wii playing? Or the higher than normal sugar consumption? The simple excitement of Christmas? Hmm..maybe it's not a hangover at all. Maybe N gave me his cold for Christmas? The gift that keeps on giving. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

*On the bright side there was excess Wii playing, higher than normal sugar consumption and excitement! I just need something for my headache. Now, where did I put that vodka?????

Just One

One of my favorite Christmas songs and I rarely get to hear it so I'm posting it here:

Blue

I awoke to a blue sky this morning. The sun was shining through the windows in my bedroom, warming my face. I was so happy to see the light streaming through the house that I'm not even going to complain about the 20 degree high or the -6 windchill...

Gray

I'm so tired of sunless skies. I swear, I think that if you are prone to bouts of depression (which I'm reluctantly starting to admit I am) Ohio will drive you to the brink. In 2 months I know we've had less than 10 days of sun (including that hour yesterday). I wasn't expecting this...it's not like we're in Seattle or London, it's the Midwest! Tornadoes, yes. Constant clouds, not so much. That human feeling I mentioned previously? Totally gone again. Now I'd rather have a shot (or 4) of vodka and a nap.

Did I mention it's supposed to snow again tonight? Arrggghhhh!! Good thing there are cookies (i'm finished baking so i can't complain about them anymore :)) and Charlie Brown to cheer me up!!

Ridiculous

You would never believe how happy the single (rare) hour of sunshine that poked its head through the clouds today made me. I almost, for a brief moment, felt like a human.

Holiday Secrets

While I love Christmas and being all full of holiday joy and love, I'm beginning to hate making cookies. I love the idea of making cookies and, God knows I love eating cookies but the mess? and the time? and the mess? Ugh. How did I help create a child that could bake 24/7 if I let her? Maybe if I didn't try to make them all in one day? Because, I swear to you, I'm drowning in cookies and that is not cool.

The First 12 Years

I am not perfect or even good. I am not deserving of all this, of you. Perhaps it is simply luck or divine grace that allows me to be here for reasons unknown. Perhaps it is to help me be more than I could be on my own. Perhaps it is because it is how it was always meant to be. I am not perfect or even good but I am thankful, every single day for this, for us.

_________________________________________

From the book J gave me on our first anniversary shortly after we had seen Il Postino -

Sonnet LXIX

Maybe nothingness is to be without your presence,

without you moving, slicing the noon

like a blue flower, without you walking

later through the fog and the cobbles,

without the light you carry in your hand,

golden, which maybe others will not see,

which maybe no one knew was growing

like the red beginnings of a rose.

In short, without your presence: without your coming

suddenly, incitingly, to know my life,

gust of a rosebush, wheat of wind:

since then I am because you are,

since then you are, I am, we are,

and through love I will be, you will be, we'll be.

Pablo Neruda

Where Do I Go From Here?

I've been thinking about blogging lately but I haven't been doing a lot of blogging lately. I've been facebooking and emailing and reading other blogs but I've been less than inspired to post anything on my own. And then I figured it out...this blog has changed from it's original intentions. At first it was a free form, random thought filled, vague word way to say what's on my mind. I didn't feel the need to explain anything or be anything or edit myself. But then I started morphing it into something else...something that was aware that other people were reading, was aware that judgements could be made or that I could offend. The truth is I like being vague and not explaining myself. I like writing down whatever floats into my head. And, so, that's what I'm going back to...blogging about what I want to blog about, saying what I want to say...no editing, no censoring. Don't say I didn't warn you...

My Moods Are Subject To The Whims Of The Weather (aka 3 weeks of grey skies)

I never know how to answer the rhetorical questions. The "how are yous?" and the "how do you like it theres?" Because these are the questions that are expected to be answered with happy words and smiles. Because that's who I am. Go with the flow, laid back, rolling along. And so I pretend. I smile the required smile. I say it's great and beautiful and so much like home. I walk along with my eyes bright and shiny, a practiced bounce in my proverbial step and I lie. Because there are so few people who want to know the truth. The parts where I'm bored and unsure and, quite honestly, lonelier than I could've imagined are the parts I keep hidden. It's tiring and disheartening but I do it because it's what is expected. And, Lord knows, I'm not going to take back exactly what I wished for.

Wimpy But True

I could survive for 28 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor

Created by Bunk Beds.net

Be Careful What You Wish For

Not everything works out the way you think it will. And that, my friends, really sucks. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this after all.

Bad Poetry for a Wednesday Afternoon

I suppose I should feel guilty
Falling asleep in front of an open window,
The sun warming my feet
While unNovemberly breezes cool my face.
I suppose I should be moving
Unpacking and settling
Preparing for guests
And kids
And life.
I suppose this means I'm lazy,
This squandering of time,
While my thoughts are cloudy
And my emotions unsteady with changing history
Things I am a part of and things that pass me by.
But suppose my eyes were heavy
And the air so sweet.
And the crackle of drying, dying leaves
Was singing my name
Urging me to lay down my head
To sleep
And dream
Promising that time will slow just for me.
Just this once, I suppose.

Slow Reflexes

The move to Ohio has been on the horizon for a full month but it wasn't until today while I was cleaning out the empty apartment that it hit me. I'm not even sure what I'm sad about - all the sweet emails I've gotten from people that I've only just met? The words of friendship from those I've recently reconnected with? Those close friends who I rarely see but talk to often that will suddenly seem so much farther away? Or is it leaving the only state I've ever lived in? The fact that my family is still in Virginia? Or am I simply stressed and tired and overwhelmed with having to deal with the details of relocating all over again? I don't know. But, the melancholy keeps striking at odd moments. There are no tears, just a blanket of sadness to remind me that I'm going to miss it all no matter how much I've tried to go with the flow.

You Know It's Gotten Out Of Control

When you arrive at your home early to beat the movers so you can have time to figure out which box has the cables for your computer because you've decided you can't live without the internet for a day, you know your obsession may have gotten out of hand. In my defense (because you know I've gotta have an excuse!) my job today is to sit and watch the movers carry stuff out of the apartment. That's it. I can't help or do anything other than answer questions. Everything I own is packed...even all my books. And the only way I can stay awake through 5 or 6 hours of doing absolutely nothing is to hang out with my beloved internet. Maybe, just maybe, I'll catch up on all my unanswered email....Nah, that would be too much to expect from me :)

After All This Time

I've finally decided what secret I'm sending to PostSecret. If you know how to draw some good horn-rimmed glasses or some other MML appropriate accessory, I'll tell you the secret in advance. Because, I'm so not artistic. Is it silly that the "decorating the postcard" part is the only thing that's been holding me back? Sheesh!

I Like Pleasure Spiked With Pain

Do I? Really? Or do I just have a Chili Peppers song stuck in my head? :) I don't know...I'm beginning to think I do. Not in the S&M sense, but psychologically. It would explain so, so much about my twisted thinking and even more twisted actions sometimes.

But, mostly, I just have the song stuck in my head ;o)

The Question Is...

Is my 3 day headache caused by:

a) J moving away again. This time 6 1/2 hours away. With no vehicle to bring him home after this weekend?

b) The kids getting sick and stressed out the instant J walked out the door?

c) Trying to juggle getting the apartment fully livable (before we move again) while balancing racing the kids to activities, volunteering at the school, juggling a need-to-see-you-everyday mother-in-law, and all the usual home stuff while worrying about taekwondo testing this weekend and my mom and the new boyfriend coming the weekend after that, while trying to figure out when I can get to the old house to mow the grass and weed and drive J back to Ohio?

d) Worrying about money that's draining from the checking and savings account faster than I can find ways to put more in?

e) Wondering how we're going to pay for 3 homes at the same time on the above mentioned "no money"?

f) Or, is it simply because I haven't had a week long streak of headaches for about 2 months and I'm due?

I'm not usually stressed out. In fact, in the past I've even been called laid back (HA!) but...um...I'm feeling a little, teensy bit stressed. Good times, man, goooooood times :)

Electronic Conversations

Your sweetness overwhelms me and brings tears to my eyes. I can't stay strong in the face of such kindness. That said...please don't stop saying the words. There is magic in the long distance echo of "I'm here" and "I can listen", "I know what it's like" and most importantly, "I've missed you." Absolute magic.

Well, This Is New

Previously good memories that now make my stomach twist in knots. An unexpected development, the urge to apologize (too late but sincere), new stress and old stress stewing together...not exactly the weekend I was waiting for. But, despite it all, I'm good and hopeful and nervously excited. Maybe I still have that brighter side...

Warning

Running around outside naked or drinking nuclear bug juice will cause you to develop an annoying little cough overnight. I'm not sure which one brought on this tickly scratchy throat thing but it has to be one or the other. What about germs, you ask? That's stupid. I definitely didn't see any germs Friday night...

Just In Case You Were Wondering

I still have no idea what I'm doing. And so I just keep moving along, figuring it'll come to me eventually...

Do You Know Who You Are Talking To?

An actual quote. Today. My mother-in-law said "You have more willpower than anyone I've ever met!" What? Was she talking to me? Seriously? I'm the Queen of No Willpower. Heck, I can't even keep a streak alive for an entire week. Oh well, at least it was a sweet sentiment for about half a second until I burst out laughing. (She also thinks there's no way I could ever be a pessimist but that's an entirely different story...)

Nothing Ever Changes

Surprise, surprise, I'm not sleeping well. Maybe it's the secret stress I'm holding in or maybe it's too many late nights in a row. Maybe it's the dreams I'm having that are so real I awake to not knowing what has happened and what I've only imagined. Maybe it's the fact that time is flying by and I'm not finding time for enough goodbyes. I'm not sure but I'm tired and grouchy and confused. If I had a style, it would be so cramped right about now.

Walking a Dangerous Line

Thin ice, that blurred border between what is truth and what is honest. Because, somehow, they are not the same.

Heart Pounding, Children Shushing Action

I like the Olympics. I'm not a fanatic. I don't watch all day and all night but I like to flip it on every now and then or read the headlines. Watching amazing athletes accomplish amazing feats is always exciting to watch. But, I don't go crazy, I don't get invested in the outcomes, I'm just a casual watcher. However...

Was I the only one to tear up at swimmer Jason Lezak's unbelievable finish (and the team win) in the 4 x 100m relay??? Oh my God!!!!! I think even listening to the announcer yell would've been enough to send me over the edge. But, watching it? Now, that's what I love about these Games.

Early Morning Quiet

For the past two nights I've been up late and the weather has been perfect for sitting outside wrapped in nothing but a blanket. Hey, don't judge, I'm home alone and can do what I want :) This morning, around 1:30, I was standing outside, thinking I should go to bed before my early meeting with the moving company guy but I couldn't leave the darkness. The stars were unusually bright and twinkly for summer and the Milky Way was a clear path across the sky. The wind was the slightest bit chilly and I was thinking about changing seasons and how soon my autumn will come in a new town, with new faces, my old friends stuck in my head. But, this morning, with the stars and the frogs, the reflecting lights of the houses across the lake shining on the water, the random dog barks, the flutter of a moth against my arm, all made me realize how sad I am to be leaving this place. I'm going to miss that old, wobbly deck and the thinking and wishing and crying and laughing I've done out there. I'm going to miss driving west and looking at the mountains covered with fog in the mornings. I'm going to miss walking through this damn hilly neighborhood, dodging speeding cars and lunging dogs pulling at their chains. I'm going to miss calling up the neighbors to ask to borrow a stick of butter or offer a poker invitation. I'm going to miss the kids running through the backyard, bugging me with their endless questions. I'm going to miss the friends I'm afraid are slipping away and the new ones I'm only starting to get to know. I'm going to miss the weeds and the poison ivy and the killer mosquitoes that search me out the instant I step outside. I'm sad to be going and the knot in my stomach doesn't seem to want to go away. I'm sure the new place will be great with its tennis and swimming and fancy fitness room. I'm sure the 5 minute drive to anywhere will be a welcome relief. I'm sure the never-empty bed in the middle of the night will be easy to get used to. In some ways, I'm anxious to move forward but I can't help looking back. You know I'm not good at letting go.

I Hate To Admit It

But this has been me this weekend...ahh, the joys of being stressed and grouchy.

more cat pictures

Dining Danger

In a week or two when I develop pneumonia, remind me of the dangers of eating corn and answering questions at the same time. I think my lung hates me now (and I'm guessing the kernel of corn isn't too happy either).

A Change In Mood

All day I've been thinking about cheeseburgers and how badly I want one. I was all prepared to write a silly little post about my craving versus my willpower, blah, blah, blah. And then I just found out that Randy Pausch passed away today and my heart is no longer concerned with junk food. I'd only read Randy's book a few weeks ago but his website was one I checked on daily. When he hadn't posted in a month, I knew that things must be sliding quickly downhill. Still, I am saddened beyond expectation at the news. I don't think you can be a parent and listen to or read his words without wanting to become a better person for your children. His 3 kids and his wife are in my thoughts today. I hope what is sure to be a huge outpouring of love for Randy and his family in the next few days gives them comfort and helps them realize the amazing legacy he has left behind for them.

The Light Reappears

Ok, so maybe it wasn't an endless tunnel. What if, perhaps, it was just a slight bend in the road? We received good news first thing this morning (not a bad way to wake up) that the relocation package is on and the move might actually be happening. I'm thinking I shouldn't get my hopes up but after reading the 40 page agreement and taking notes for over an hour, I can't find any strings or catches. Maybe, just maybe, things are looking up. Maybe, just maybe, patience does work sometimes. Maybe, just maybe, it really will work out.

*In the interest of full disclosure - I'm a teeny bit sad and a teeny bit stressed but mostly all good.

Speaking of Drunk

In light of financial woes, has Starbucks started spiking their coffee? How else to explain the EP worthy hangover I woke up with this morning? The last and strongest thing I had to drink yesterday was a decaf mocha from Starbucks. And while I don't remember any backyard antics or poker games, it must've been some strong stuff to make me feel the way I did between 1am and noon today...

When The Radio Makes You Cringe

Songs invade every part of my life. Like certain smells remind you of past moments, sometimes (often) songs take me back to a place or time or person. I'd say that 95% of the time, the memories are good. Even the sad songs usually only bring about a nostalgia about a time or someone I miss. Of course, there are always exceptions...

Driving down to pick up the kids on Wednesday the local radio station decided to hit me with Stone Temple Pilots' "Creep" and instantly I was transported back into one of those cringe-worthy moments. My freshman year of college I was at a party and, um, I may have gotten a bit tipsy. I looked up and suddenly standing there in front of me was my very hot friend. We hung around the same crowd (oh, and what good influences they were!). We took Spanish together, he gave me random guitar lessons in exchange for helping him with his papers, he was older and funnier and much, much cooler than I'd ever be and I had the biggest lust-crush on him. "Creep" came on over the speakers and before I knew what was happening, he was dancing with me. (Did I mention I don't dance? And when I do, I definitely don't dance the way we somehow managed to dance to that song). So, there it was...the crush I had instantly multiplied by 1000. And, then, as luck would have it, the same person had agreed to drive us both back to school along with a bunch of other people. When we got to the car, there was only one seat left and so I sat on his lap. 18 years old and there I was thinking I was having the most perfect of perfect evenings. I got back to my room singing "Creep", feeling drunk and invincible, and so I called him and invited myself over. Shortly afterward, I was in the midst of my first, last, and only one night stand and you know what? It was completely awkward and just plain bad. And that, My Friends, is what I think of whenever I hear that song...the naivete and drunkenness of my youth. Ugh.

I Can't Believe I Missed It

I was walking to the mailbox, thinking about summertime and blogging when it hit me...I completely missed my 1 year blogiversary! Last year on July 2nd I started this random, nonsensical blog and it's still around. It's funny how different I thought things would be this summer when I looked ahead last year. What's even more amusing is how little things have changed. Oh, sure, there have been some ups and downs that I didn't expect but in some ways it's a complete rerun. Last summer was a little crazier, this summer a little lonelier. Last summer there was a light at the end of the tunnel, now the tunnel seems endless. But I'm more settled now, I sleep better and my headaches are fewer and farther between. I'm still the same old me, just one year older. I may not post 15 times a week like I did at the beginning but I'm still here. Wow...it's almost like a streak :)

After Only 3 Days

I've gone and completely wrecked any normal sleeping pattern. I've had 3 days to myself and how did I spend my nights? Going to bed at 4am and sleeping in until 10. Somehow I don't think that's going to work once the kids are back home. I never learn, do I? If I whine about being tired any time in my next few posts, someone please smack me. Seriously.

Rewinding

It's the summer of 8 years ago and I'm in over my head. But, this time I pretend it's different. I always feel too much, think too much, want too much. For good or for bad, it's the way that I'm made. There's never been a touch of indifference in anything I do. Even now, when I marvel that apathy seems to be creeping in and I choose to encourage it, I secretly realize I'm fooling myself like I always do. There's something constantly stirring, waiting in the wings, watching for a chance meeting with weakness to show me who is boss. Unwelcome emotion always wins and it always surprises me. I can only sit back and wonder when it will jump out this time. Game on...

Unrequited Love

I've been holding it in for months but I can deny it no longer...I'm completely, utterly, madly in love with Craig Ferguson. I can't help myself. I'm hopeless when it comes to adorably funny men with accents. Sigh...

It's Only Tuesday And Already I've Learned

• I really dislike shucking corn. (Ok, technically, I already knew this but it was reaffirmed last night).
• Dreams in which everything looks like a computer game and all the action is controlled by "pointing and clicking" are annoying. It makes me grit my teeth just thinking about how every single dream I had last night was in this format.
• I may never understand J's organizational skills. The last time we set up the big tent (for N's camping party) we couldn't find the rainfly. Today, when I went to empty a tub labeled "maternity clothes" for a trip to Goodwill I found...an air mattress and the rainfly inside. No maternity clothes.
• When you are forced to watch MASH at 11pm on a Monday night...it's really not that bad. (But remind me why we've made a conscious decision to only have one TV in the house again!?!)
• Making a big decision sucks.

The Second Bright Spot

Getting to hang out with a beautiful 3 month old baby also helped me get over myself today 'cause, man, I'm a sucker for babies. Especially when they smile those big toothless grins. If that doesn't make you feel better I don't know what will.

When I'd Begun To Doubt

It's no big revelation that I haven't been having the easiest time lately and I was fully prepared for today to be a very difficult day for reasons I don't want to talk about. And then a friend said exactly the right things at exactly the right time. And I realized that I got my wish...sometimes people can surprise me. Thanks P for going in the exact opposite direction I expected you to go and making my day a little bit lighter.

After Spending Time Looking Back, There Should Be A Rule

I should not be allowed to blog when I'm tired or sad or irritated lest you think I'm grouchy all the time. The funny thing is that I usually feel back to normal 10 minutes after I post. Someone who shall remain nameless once told me that he didn't think I could write unless I was in a bad mood. That can't be true but I do find that I vent here too often. I'm thinking I should bottle things up more...the explosions are more spectacular that way :)

It's Just A Phase...A Long, Long Phase

When need and want and good and bad and right and wrong all get mixed up in my head, I know it's just the frustration talking. I get so tired of being frustrated. I get tired of being tired. I get tired of never knowing what's next. It's just one of those weekends...where nothing works out and there's no sign that it will be better soon. And I just want to complain or sit down and cry or throw a tantrum. Sometimes I feel like such a spoiled brat...

One More Reason

In case anyone has doubts about my dorkiness, I just proved myself again. RSVP'ing to a birthday party shouldn't be that hard, right? Certainly I can be cool for 30 seconds? Nope, not a chance. After a two minute conversation I hung up only to realize that I said "alrighty" 4 times. I don't think I ever use that word and now I've gone and loaded up on it like it's going out of style. Well, if it had ever been in style, that is...

Disillusionment

Just when I thought I could be something other than a cynical, bitter pessimist reality comes and smacks me hard in the face. I'm so frustrated I can't even vent about it. The bright side? The kids will go to school with their friends in the fall. The downside? Everything else.

Introspection Isn't Always What It Seems

Sometimes I find myself wishing people - someone, anyone - would surprise me by being something more than I expected. But, in reality, what you see is often what you get even when you try to convince yourself that there must be more, the something extra you want to see. Sometimes, I'm surprised by the lack of unexpected or maybe it's the awareness that ordinary isn't so bad. And, sometimes, I wonder if the naivete I had at 24 is still there and if I'm in denial about the bits of wisdom I've gained. And I wonder if I'd surprise myself if I really looked hard. And I worry that I wouldn't.

How To Waste An Entire Day (and be happy about it)

Sleep in, catch up on email and celebrity gossip, post on your other blog, take a nap, email some more, keep an eye on the killdeer and her 4 eggs, chat with the neighbors, start reading the newest Stephen King novel, watch Jaws, go out to dinner and have a great burger, sit on the deck, visit a heartbroken friend and split a bottle of wine, try out the kids' new karaoke machine to make sure it works - sing extra loud, stay up until 2am reading and chatting on the phone.

I promise to get something done tomorrow.

I'm On Fire

Today I think I officially became hot enough to melt the siding on a house. Ok, so probably not in the way that such "hotness" was originally intended. But with the heat index still at 97 degrees at almost 8pm and reaching between 105 and 110 earlier today it's a little bit hot here which, in turn, makes me hot and, hey, you gotta take hot any way you can get it...even if it makes you miserable :)

9 Years

Part of me would like to reminisce about this day 9 years ago or the time we've spent since he made his first appearance. Part of me would like to tell you about last night and the crazy boys that spent the night at our house (it's a miracle they are still sleeping as I type...). I'm considering letting you know about our Saturday afternoon lunch and Kung Fu Panda but it's all too much and none of the words would ever get it right so, instead, I'll just leave it at this:

Happy Birthday, N!!!

Dear Killdeer,

I just want you to know that you are a beautiful little bird and a fantastic mother. In fact, your Oscar worthy performance yesterday while I was mowing almost made me forget that I had just swallowed a bug (Don't ask how that happened. It defies explanation). I knew your fancy broken wing act and loud screeching were an attempt to lead me away from your nest. I hope you realize what a good job you did. I spent more time looking for the nest than actually mowing. I became so paranoid about running over an egg (especially after that nasty turtle incident I had a few weeks ago...) that I refused to mow properly under the crape myrtles. I finally gave up and wished you well.

But, HA!, I bet you didn't know that I'm an experienced stalker and with a little patience and my trusty binoculars I spotted you this morning. A quick trek up the driveway and I found your sweet speckled egg. Um, Killdeer, I'm not one to judge but, um, did you have to make your nest in the middle of my driveway? Now I'm terrified every time I drive in and out that I'm going to run over that egg. I appreciate the fact that you charged my car this morning in an attempt to make me change my course, but there's no need to worry, I can drive in a straight line and your egg is still safe. Did you stay on your egg last night during the heavy winds and torrential downpours? I can't think of any other way that your egg wouldn't have washed down the driveway. If you did, I'm impressed. However, I'm a little worried because N is having a birthday party this weekend and I'm not sure the drivers of the guests will be as careful as I was. You're making me a nervous wreck, Killdeer. I was happy to read that your baby will leave the nest almost as soon as it hatches because if I had to think about driving over a cute baby bird I might not leave the house until it was gone. And a shut in MML is not a pretty sight.

Sincerely,

A confused and concerned but soft-hearted MML

Not Really Random

Very rarely are the song lyrics I quote truly random. Usually they are stuck in my head because something about the words apply to how I'm feeling at that moment. So, I lie, say they are random and hope that people are gullible enough to believe me. Today, though, is honesty. If I were a songwriter, I'd like to think I would've written this song. I try to live my life with the conscious decision to never take anything for granted but I am only human and I'm sure that sometimes I fail at my quest. Anyway, even though I didn't write this song, it is talking to me today.

one part of me just wants to tell you everything

one part of me needs the quiet

and if I'm lonely here, I'm lonely here

and on the telephone

you offer reassurance

I will not take these things for granted

how can I hold the part of me that only you can carry

it needs a strength I haven't found

but if it's frightening, I'll bear the cold

and on the telephone

you offer warm asylum

I'm listening

flowers in the garden

laughter in the hall

children in the park

I will not take these things for granted anymore

to crawl inside the wire and feel something near me

to feel this accepting

that it is lonely here, but not alone

and on the telephone

you offer visions dancing

I'm listening

music in the bedroom

laughter in the hall

dive into the ocean

singing by the fire

running through the forest

and standing in the wind

in rolling canyons

I will not take these things for granted

I will not take these things for granted - Toad the Wet Sprocket

More Secrets Of The MML

Tonight I was thinking about television and my mild love affair with it. I'm not crazy addicted like some people but there are shows I like and shows I want to watch every week (Hello? Hugh Laurie? Duh). With summer quickly approaching and only one finale to go (Lost), I realized that I have to find a way to fill my evenings with some mindless brain mushing activity. This usually means I get hooked on a television show that I didn't actually watch when it was originally aired. Thanks to Netflix, I get my fix and everything's good. Right now, it's Heroes. 6 episodes in and I'm crushing on it.

Anyway, my point. Because there is one. Really. I was thinking about television and the need to have a new summer show which got me thinking about my crazy psychological need to always have some sort of obsession. I realize that this probably isn't a surprise to those of you that know me. Heck, it's probably not even a surprise to those of you that don't. But, it's gotten me incredibly frustrated lately. Why do I always need to be obsessed with something? Insane cravings for whatever the need of the day/week/month is until I burn out, barely bothering to think about it again. What is my problem? And how do I fix it? Because, honestly, it's killing me.

Now, secret number two because my brain often segues in illogical ways: As I was thinking about the obsessions and my current obsession to rid myself of them, I happened to glance in the mirror. Again, not a secret to those who know me but, it's true, I'm going gray. This is not shocking. I've had random silver hairs on my head since I was 9 and my first true tiny streak of gray at the ripe old age of 21. It's my genetic calling...both my parents and both my grandmothers went prematurely gray. (Though how my brother has escaped this, I'm not sure. Geez, he gets all the good stuff!) So, I was dying my hair because that's what 32 year old, graying women do. It's the only socially acceptable option. But the truth is, I hate dying my hair. And, the bigger secret is that I'm sort of fascinated by the amount of gray that is popping up. Is that weird? To want to let the dye grow out to see how gray my hair really is? Yes, it's killing my mom and I think J would rather I cover it up. But aren't you curious? Besides, I'm thinking I could tell people I'm 45 and they'd think I look good for my age. And, really, who doesn't want that?

Almost Summer and I'm Not Sure I'm Ready But The Preview Is Pretty Nice

The kids are due back tomorrow afternoon so you'd think I'd be living it up but, alas, it seems that I'd rather spend my last night alone the same way I spent many summer evenings last year:

Sitting outside, smelling honeysuckle, listening to bullfrogs croaking, cows mooing, random conversations from people who don't realize how well their voices carry at night, and dogs barking. There are no cars driving by and the night is very dark. It's perfect for star gazing and firefly watching. I even got nervous about my old alien nemesis after I heard him lurking across the yard. It's warm and I've had a shooter made entirely of vodka and razzmatazz, the music is loud and I can sing at the top of my lungs without fear of waking anyone. It's my last evening in my long weekend of freedom and I have to admit...it's a little lonely. But, believe it or not, sometimes lonely is a good thing.

Indy's Still Got It

A kid free weekend and an afternoon date that lasted through the evening make for a good Saturday and our most important stop today was to see the new Indiana Jones movie. Is it wrong to say I still love Harrison Ford? More importantly though is how Indy made my day so much better than expected. I've been feeling pretty bad since Wednesday and today was no exception. Just this afternoon, I could barely breathe just walking around the house, feeling like a weight was sitting on my chest. As we were sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start, my head resting on J's shoulder, feeling sleepy and achy, I started to feel a little better. 2 hours later? I felt almost good. At least 85% better. Dinner? Delicious and for the first time ever on a Saturday the restaurant wasn't packed. Shopping? I found a pair of pants I liked at the first store, the second pair I tried on. Insanity! Picking out N's birthday gift? At the register we found out that it was 33% off, unmarked, the sale ended tonight. Coincidence that all these good things happened after Indiana Jones smiled at me from the big screen today? I think not. He's totally still got it.

The Wrong Way To Spend A Thursday (A Brief Whine)

I feel like all I've done today is wait. I'm sure it's all because I'm feeling not so great and trying really hard to get sick. So, what Earth shattering things am I waiting for so impatiently? I'm waiting on two email replies that may or may not ever come. I'm waiting on three packages from UPS that may or may not ever come. I'm waiting for N to come home so we can go out and get the giant PRIZE that J promised the kids (don't even get me started on that whole thing...), and I'm waiting for someone to randomly bring me ice cream just because my throat hurts. I'm sure there's more that I'm waiting on but those are the few things that I can't stop thinking about. I realize that if I actually got up and did something, anything even mildly productive, time might go a little faster and I might forget about all the waiting. But I can't make myself. I'd rather just sit here, feeling yucky, complaining, hoping that something happens soon.

I totally deserve a Suck It Up,CryBaby, don't I?

I've Told You Before

Moderation and I are not friends. We try, we have good intentions but we just don't get along. And apparently it's not only me that has noticed this. Tonight's dinner conversation:

N - (singing, of course) - My mom has two sides. Either really, really nice and very happy or grumpy....

Me (interrupting) - Only two sides? Nothing else?

N - Um...no, that's about it.

Me - Nothing in the middle?

N - Nope.

Me - Oh, well, which side am I on most often?

N - Definitely the happy side.

Now, I'm not sure if that's actually true or if he's just completely terrified of the grumpy side. Either way, even my 8 year old can tell that Moderation and I are just not meant to be. It's simply all or nothing.

Tying Up Loose Ends

It feels like everything is coming together and coming to an end. Summer is approaching quicker than I can wish it here. With very few plans I feel like I'm ready to move on and get out. But it never works out to be that easy, does it?

That's What I'm Talking About

We decided to redo last week's rainy Mother's Day hike and get back to Skyline Drive yesterday. The weather was a great, calm, sunny 65 degrees up on the mountain and so we decided to see if the kids could tackle the 4 mile Rose River Trail. I don't know why I hesitated. The kids were so awesome...they not only conquered the trek with happy skipping, rock climbing, stick throwing, bug counting and picnic eating, they ended up challenging J to a race to the end of the fire road. We got back to the parking area a little sweaty and a little tired to find 3 deer calmly standing, waiting for us beside the car. And to my kids, being able to stand that close to deer was even better than all the amazingly beautiful cascades and waterfalls we saw...though they admit the water was a close second. Another good weekend? Yeah, I think we're on a roll.

Friday, I'm So Happy To See You

Cigar smoke and a shot of vodka. Fever and headaches. Too many late nights and days that have been too short. Every project one-quarter complete and the rain arrives again. Conflicting schedules, it's scary how time is flying by. Reverting back to email, I miss the IM. A surprise lovely orange drink at my front door and the sounds of spring darkness outside. What a crazy week it's been.

When Best Laid Plans Go Awry

A few weeks ago, I was asked what I wanted to do for Mother's Day. Without hesitation I said, "Let's go hiking." It's one of my favorite ways to spend a weekend and it's something we never seem to have time for. So, needless to say, I wasn't exactly thrilled to hear that today was supposed to be cold and rainy. I tried to come up with a Plan B. We talked about the movies and bowling, hanging out at home and sleeping late, things that were OK but not exactly what I wanted. As of this morning, we still hadn't decided what we were going to do today.

I woke up this morning to the smell of french toast cooking and a little voice in my ear asking what time I wanted my breakfast. We lounged in our pj's until noon, snuggling and wrestling around in the living room, squishing all 4 of us into one chair. A perfect morning filled with lots of giggling. Finally, at 12:30 I decided that I just couldn't shake the hiking urge. I wanted to get outside, I wanted to get moving, I wanted to go up on the Drive. So, we bundled up and headed out. There was no rain and no wind, it was just chilly. Winding our way up toward Big Meadows the fog decended on the mountain, thrilling Liv to no end. But as we reached our destination, we burst through the clouds and looked up. The sky was blue! The sun was shining! The wind, however, was fierce and the temperature was 45 degrees. A big difference from the beautiful high 70's we've had lately. We picked an easy hike (in case we needed to run quickly back to the car), only 2 miles and flat. Easy. And, it's a good thing because quickly the wind blew the fog back in and the forest was amazing. The fog muffled every sound. Everything looked misty and soft. The greens seemed even greener. The yellow wildflowers against the grey stone walls looked like little rays of light in the cloudy cold fog. We were alone on our trail and visibility limited us to viewing only what was directly around us. It was perfect. But misty. Very, very misty. About a mile into the hike, we were starting to get pretty wet. The four of us, pink cheeked, wet jeaned, and grinning couldn't stop laughing at how damp we were. And, at exactly halfway through the trail, there was no way to turn back. The sprinkles started...a light but sharp rain that felt like sleet at times as we jogged back to the car, barely able to breathe from the constant giggling at the way we all looked. Drowned rats? You bet. Finally, we hit the car, jumped in and cranked the heat all the way up. And, then, thank God for my impeccable timing...the hail started and the sky opened up. Torrential rain, ice pinging the side of the car and us, warm and drying, happy and tired, heading home.

The plan had been to hit the showers, change and head to dinner at the local Indian restaurant. But, halfway home we decided that chinese food in nice dry pj's, sitting on the living room floor, watching a movie was a better way to end the day. And you know what? It was a good decision. So the day didn't work out as planned and I ended up cold and wet and without any green masala chicken and naan in my belly. I liked it way better this way. The adventure of hiking in the fog and rain, the warmth of home, snuggling with my two favorite kids - I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Happy Mother's Day.

Sunday

I'm not sure where I went wrong. We'd lost our rhythm and I say too much. Maybe too many other things go unsaid while my foot takes up residence in my mouth. It's a clumsy dance I can't seem to break away from lately. Some days I feel like I'm living off frustration and it's a taste I can't rinse clean.


But a long quiet car ride makes everything clearer, everything easier and everything fall into place. And I remember it will get better. Of everything, that's what I'm most sure of.

Thank You

A great end to a really good day...coming home tonight to find bee balm on my front porch. I laughed so hard, I could barely breathe. So, thank you, Bee Balm gifter for an awesomely awesome gift. I just hope no one pees on it this time... at least until the season's first EP :)

Well, Hello Dracula. How You Doin'?

I've discovered 2 bite marks on my neck right under my jaw so I'm assuming that they must be vampire bites. Makes sense, right? And it's terribly sexy. This would also explain why I've been tired during the days lately and awake all night. Oh, and don't forget that pesky aversion to sunlight. Vampire bites are usually itchy, aren't they? I'd hate to be all excited about a stupid mosquito...

When Lame Excuses Are Handed To Me On A Silver Platter

Dear Neighborhood Children (including my own),

I'm not sure what kind of magnet my mower has in it that makes all 6 of you cluster in the exact small area I'm mowing, no matter how many times I tell you to move to a safer place. And I'm thrilled that my children told you the "signal" to get me to turn the mower off so that you can tell me something in an emergency. I'm not exactly sure how "Can we play in your house?", "Why does J make you do all the mowing?", and "My foot is starting to hurt" constitute emergencies, however, I am grateful that you got me so frustrated after turning the mower off at least 6 times in 30 minutes that I gave up. Because I didn't want to mow. And it's kind of hot today. And I have lots of other things to do. So, thank you. Any time someone wants to hand me a ready-made excuse to procrastinate, I'm gonna take it.

Best Regards,

The Meanest Mild Mannered Librarian Ever

I've Still Got It

Impeccable timing that is. I've been planning this Alaskan cruise for next year and inviting friends and family that I would actually like to see for an entire week to come along. I mentioned before that the power of the internet helped me get back in touch with Howdy and we've been emailing a little back and forth, catching up on the 7 years since we last saw each other. She and I always got along great and hopefully by now she's forgotten about all the dumb drunken stuff she's seen me do so I asked her to come along. And you know what? She said she and her girlfriend were just talking about wanting to go to Alaska so...Yay! They're going. In the words of Howdy, "You have crazy good timing." Yeah, I really do. Now if I could just harness this power for good...

But, really, what fun would that be??

Friday Afternoon Confessions

1. I'm embarrassed to admit, though it will come as no surprise to anyone that my current streak of 7 days of running (plodding) is the longest streak I've had since I was...um...ok, it's the longest streak ever. And, while I'll completely agree with Perpetual Runner that a treadmill is incredibly boring it is A. Better than push mowing for hours and B. Impossible for me to make excuses when it's sitting right there in my basement. And, boy, you know I love coming up with lame excuses.

2. My current song obsessions are all sung by James Taylor. Specifically "Fire and Rain", "Carolina in My Mind" and "Something in the Way She Moves." Now, I'm not embarrassed to like JT. I even went to see him in concert when I was 17 on a perfect summer day, laying in the grass with a boy I would've sworn was the love of my life, eyes closed, listening to him sing songs that were written long ago. But it becomes embarrassing when you have repeated the same 3 songs about 15 times today and the song "Carolina in My Mind" makes you hope that J gets relocated to one of the Carolinas...

The Twelfth Round

My conscious thinking has apparently been warring with my subconscious lately. I'm not sure who's gonna win but it makes for some very interesting dreams...

Just Waiting For The Benadryl To Kick In

I know, I know, I wasn't going to mention it again. But, I have a good excuse this time. I think my arm might fall off. And that's all I'll say. Promise.

Well, that and to those that aren't swollen eyed, sniffy pollen sufferers or that don't have unexplained poison ivy that keeps getting worse - Bite Me :)

For The Record

I don't need free 5x7's to pick my photographer. I never understood preschool graduation pictures anyway. I'd much rather have my beautiful annual happy spring photos. In fact, Favorite Photographer/Bartender/Neighbor Extraordinaire, I'll be happy to tell off whoever you want for free...or maybe a pitcher of Peach Gators...

I'm A Magnet

This time it's not my fault, I swear. And I know I post about it way too much but, seriously, Seriously!, I woke up with poison ivy all over my arms yesterday morning. I haven't been in the woods at all. I haven't pulled any mystery weeds. And no one else in the house has it so...apparently it's just drawn to me. Like evil, evil magic.

Yay Spring!

Guess what happens when the weather is perfect, you spend 3 hours at the soccer field, it's early in the year and you are super pale?

Wonder who forgot to put sunscreen on her arms? Remember what I said about genius? I take it back...I'm an idiot :)

Brace Yourselves

I need to vent.

Arrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!

I just found out that my idiot sister and her two demon children invited themselves for dinner on Sunday. Then my stepmom proceeded to tell me what kind of food the above mentioned kids and sister would like to eat. Um...sorry. You'll eat what I'm fixing or you can go home. I'm hoping they choose the latter. Think I'm mean? It's only because you haven't met them yet. And to think, I'd been looking forward to Sunday, silly, silly me. Grrrrrrr.

The Secret Life Of The MML

I've been hiding the fact that I'm a mechanical freakin' genius. Yes, that's right, I got the lawnmower started this afternoon. It took me about 2 minutes and a screwdriver. Ha! Genius, I tell ya!

Now, if only someone could show me how to put a new inner tube in, I would actually be able to mow...

Here's Where Pessimism Pays Off

In my ideal world, I'd sleep until 10 every morning and stay up until 3am. I don't even try and pretend I'm a morning person. Civilized in the morning? Sure. I might even smile at you. But, productive before 10? It's a struggle. With a soccer game scheduled at 9 this morning, allergy season upon me, and J working in extreme western Virginia helping to undercut a tunnel this weekend, I wasn't really looking forward to today. Granted, it probably wasn't smart of me to stay on the computer until my eyes fell out of my head last night, pop them back in place and read until waaaaaay too late. But when I woke up to the sounds of my sleepless neighbor mowing at 7:15 (don't worry, your early-birdness only makes us love you more. Who dat crazy man?!), my eyes feeling like sandpaper and my nose all stuffy I'd pretty much decided this was going to be a crappy day. Because that's what you do when you're a pessimist...make your assumptions before you even get out of bed.

But, guess what? Soccer was cancelled after we were already dressed and ready for the day, the Magic 8 Ball said we'd sell the house by June 1st, my bluebird friend was back on the deck singing a Disney song to me this morning and I've actually gotten some things done. To anybody else, this might seem like an ordinary start to an ordinary day. But to me, Pessimist Extraordinaire, this is a surprising start to what may end up being a perfectly fine day. And fine is all I need.

It's Been A While

Partial lyrics from the song stuck in my head. An oldie but, oh so good.

A little light looks through her bedroom window.
She dances and I dream, she's not so far as she seems
Of brighter meadows, melting sunsets,
Her hair blowing in the breeze.
And she can't see me watching.
I'm thinking love, love, love, love.

It's bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet.
It's a bittersweet surrender.
It's bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet.
It's a bittersweet surrender.

I said, I'm older now. I work in a city. We live together.
But it's different than my dream
Morning light fills the room. I rise
She pretends she's sleeping.
Are we everything we wanted?

It's bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet.
It's a bittersweet surrender.
It's bittersweet, more sweet than bitter, bitter than sweet.
It's a bittersweet surrender.

-Bittersweet/ Big Head Todd and the Monsters

As If You Needed More Proof

Another sign of my nerdiness? I love taking personality tests, IQ tests, stupid internet quizzes. In my mind, it's all hilarious. So, today's test was the color code personality test and I actually thought the results were pretty right on. Here's what it said (and, um, what I already knew):

Congratulations. You are WHITE.

WHITES are motivated by PEACE. They seek independence and require kindness. They resist confrontation at all costs. To them, feeling good is more important than being good. They are typically quiet by nature, process things very deeply and objectively with great clarity. Of all the colors, WHITES are the best listeners. They respect people who are direct but recoil from perceived hostility or verbal battle.


WHITES need their "alone time" and refuse to be controlled by others. WHITES want to do things their own way and in their own time. They ask little of others and resent others demanding much of them. WHITES are much stronger than people think, but are not often seen for their strength because they don't easily reveal their feelings. WHITES are even-tempered, diplomatic, and the voice of reason; but can also be indecisive, unexpressive, and silently stubborn. When others interact with you, as a WHITE you respond to them best if they are kind, accepting and supporting of your individuality, and if they look for non-verbal clues to understand your feelings.

The two best parts? The first sentence congratulating my "whiteness." Doesn't seem very PC. And the second part which basically says that you should be nice to me or I'll be sad. Awesome. The internet thinks I'm a crybaby.

Without Fail

Men - they crack me up and kill me all at the same time. And when I'm not wanting to hurt one of them, I'm positive I can't live without them.

I've Finally Decided

I'm sending in a postcard to Postsecret. Am I telling you the secret? No way. But if it gets posted maybe you'll be able to figure it out.

Again and Again and Again

Sometimes the weight of the things I do, the bad decisions I so willingly make, hit me hard, waking me to realize I'm an idiot. Often. And I'm not sure why I continue the cycle without hesitation. It's gotten to the point where I can see what's ahead but somehow I continue to make the mistake again and again and again. Insanity.

A Happy Little Thursday

OK, so maybe it wasn't as good as other Thursdays I've heard rumors about but getting a call from my dad saying he's buying me a treadmill "just because [he] wanted to", a package from my mom with Turbo tax inside, a surprise delivery of tulips (my favorites) from my stepmom, and a 4 year old who asked to go to bed 30 minutes early made my day pretty darn good. It's still nearly 5 months until my birthday, so the question is: was I just having an especially surprise-filled day or am I dying and no one's told me yet?

And, now, to top it all off, I find 3 emails in my inbox this morning from faraway friends I rarely talk to. Hmmm....maybe I should play the lottery next???

Of Course, I'd Be Happy To Be A Nielsen Family

An extra excuse to watch TV? Yeah, count me in and watch the HGTV ratings skyrocket!!


*Wow, I think I've just proven I'm more of a dork than even I thought possible.

Consider It A Kindness

I haven't intentionally ignored posting. It's just that my words haven't been coming out right lately; my tone is wrong or I simply say the wrong thing at the wrong time. So, I've canceled out all the recent urges to post. Besides, who wants to hear my constant chatter about painting walls, allergies, moving, and pole dancing? I haven't even taken the time to add my recent reads to my book count. I'm just all off kilter this week. A little more sun and a little more caffeine should bring me back to normal.

Oh, and the pole dancing? I was just seeing if you were paying attention.

I Feel It's Important To Mention

With the fifth anniversary of our invasion of Iraq upon us, I just want to mention that my (ex)stepdad has been sent back overseas yet again. We don't talk very much for reasons that I'm unable to fathom or think about. His issues, not mine, keep him away. But I'm glad he called to let me know that he was being shipped to Iraq again. Although he knows I love him and think about him often, it was good to be able to say the words directly to him. Be safe, D and come home soon.

In The Harsh Daylight

Why is it that all the plans and resolutions I make at night seem so impossible when I wake the next morning? I am in a class by myself when it comes to lame excuses.

A Happy Ending To A Mediocre Monday

A 13 hour surprise stopover on the way to Atlanta? Awesome. Sure, I was sleeping for 8 of the hours and had another obligation for 3 more but there's no way I'm complaining.

At Least We Avoided Any Pinching

Ahh, Monday. The official return to reality (though really it started at 7 last night), the return of spring soccer practice, and the beginning of my 4 year old deciding that tantrums seem like a good way to get what you want. I've gotta say, the day started off mighty shaky but it worked itself out. Everyone went out in the world today wearing green and looking for leprechauns and returned home in a better mood. Including me. So, can I manage this for a few more months? A potentially even harder few more months? Maybe. I hope so.

Friday Night Lessons

1. No matter how excited you are to spend an evening with friends, clean the kitchen first. Because, really, last night's dinner is the last thing you want to wake up to. Seriously.

2. Wearing a dark hat and sweatshirt with light colored pants only makes you half invisible in the dark.

3. It's not the rolling and running that makes you veer from the straight line. It's snow. Who knew?

4. I'm officially declaring Peach Gators the BEST DRINK EVER. What other nourishing liquid deliciousness allows you to act completely stupid, stumble home (looking like a moving tree, apparently? Right, Mr. Bartender??), and wake up feeling pretty darn good the next morning? It's a miraculous combination of nature and science, I tell ya. And who doesn't like yummy miracles?

If this was a preseason EP warm-up, I can't wait for the real thing.

There's A First Time For Everything

I don't know if I've ever wished for the weekend to stay away. But this time I'm just not ready to move on.

Maybe I'll Blame It On The Rain

We've barely hit 24 hours and already I need to say it. Grrrrrrrrr. x2.

Which Is The Bigger Joke?

The fact that my neighbor and I were planning out our summer evenings, knowing that I'll have moved by then? Or the fact that I actually think it's possible that I'll move before then? Either way, it was nice that the weather this afternoon was so beautifully warm and clear it caused summertime daydreaming. For a minute we actually forgot the kids have school tomorrow and that there was no time for kickball after dinner tonight.

Statistically, I Frustrate Myself

Why is it that 10 times out of 10 I have to remind myself of what is true 95% of the time? And so it goes, over and over and over.

Laughter Is The Best Medicine (or at least it dulls the pain)

Even in the middle of a killer migraine, Bubble Bursters who, honestly, cannot resist the need to burst my "Internet knows all" bubble and who suddenly realize what the rest of us have known all along (where did you think your alien wife came from? Other aliens. Duh) crack me up. I think laughing out loud about it was the only thing that kept my head from imploding last night. And that is a pretty good thing.

I've Long Suspected It

I went to this website today that I found on another blog. Allegedly, it tells you how many other people in the U.S. share your name. It was no surprise that 23 people have my married name. After all, our last name is common enough. So, then I put in my maiden name just for kicks and here's what I found out. While 37,941 people share my first name and 1,123 share my former last name :

HowManyOfMe.com

There are 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

What this means is that I used to be the only one. Completely unique. And then I got married and all the specialness was sucked right out of me. It's a good thing I'm pretty sure J is worth it. Not that I'm telling him that... :)

Too Sleepy To Save Myself

So the aliens returned last night. I don't know, maybe it was the fog and the wind stoking my imagination. Maybe it was the strange way the lights from the neighboring houses were diffused into the air when I walked around outside in the chilly dark night. Either way, when I went to bed last night I was pretty sure something was lurking around the house. That, added with the howling of the wind was kind of freaking me out. Did I mention that it was very very dark inside? Yeah, there was that, too. And, of course, as I'm laying in bed I'm thinking scary things and getting myself even more paranoid. Because it seems that's what I do when I'm in bed by myself. I had just gotten myself almost worked up enough to call next door to ask if there were any OBG's available to check out the house for me. And, then I realized that the thin white tshirt I was wearing combined with a very cold house did not make for appropriate attire. Even for a "Help. Aliens are attacking" middle of the night emergency call. And, then I realized that I was too lazy to throw anything else on. Too lazy to save myself from possible alien abduction. When I woke up this morning safe and sound, I figured it must be because aliens don't abduct slackers. Which is good because I needed more excuses...

And Then The Good

Reconnecting with my old buddy, Howdy, after 7 long years. And that, my friends, is why I love the internet.

First The Bad News

As usual it was a song that clued me in. What seemed a surprise was really what I should've expected all along. A perfect realization for a cold, rainy day.

The Circular Segues That Kept Sleep At Bay

My new cough got me thinking, relentlessly, about whether we have cough medicine in the cabinet which made me think about grocery lists which got me thinking about more lists which made me think of obsessions which made me think of crushes - both childhood and adult, which made me think of spring which made me think about getting stuff done outside which reminded me that I need to separate the hostas this year which made me think of seasonal allergies which made me think of being sick which, of course, made me think of the medicine in my cabinet. Cough, cough. Damn, I need a nap.

A Long Story Made Short

We're taking the house off the market, at least for a month or two. It's complicated but excellent news with better benefits at the end. And I'm thrilled. Ecstatic. And, mostly, I'm incredibly relieved.

Now Begins The Upward Swing. I Hope.

This morning I woke up with the sun shining in on me and I didn't groan and throw a pillow over my head. For the first time in months, I didn't feel tired or grouchy when it was time to start our day. Yesterday was not so good. In fact, I'm embarrassed by the ugliness of it all.

My ears rang the entire day. Not the little buzzing that I've had off and on since I was in elementary school. No, this was painful and distracting. Every word I said made a bell begin to chime in my head. In fact, it was so loud that at one point I answered the phone, sure I'd heard it ringing. But, no, it was just me and my stuffy head. When every word echoes, metallic, inside your skull do you realize how hard it is to read bedtime stories? Agony.

So, there was that. And I was moody from what else? Sleepiness, hormones, just good old fashioned frustration? I don't know. All I can say is that I lost it. I blew up at Liv over a bowl of jello. Yep, orange jiggly stuff. And I told J his job sucks. So, it was a day of not feeling good and overreactions. Like I said, embarrassing.

But, today, ahh, today is better. There is no ringing. There is no stuffy head. The sun is shining and I'm not that tired. It's Thursday, which isn't magical for me, but it's one step closer to the weekend and one step closer to summer. I'm a short timer, I have senioritis, I'm ready to move on. Patience is hard but I'm working on it, trying to appreciate our time here before we relocate. And, of course, I'm hoping that we discover an end to this long, drawn out process soon. It's been 13 months, 6 days and I'm still counting...

Goodbye, Mickey

The weekend brought an end to our sneaky mouse and the beginnings of a cold or the flu for me. Coincidence? I'm not so sure.

I Just Can't Stay Away

Dear Sara Bareilles,

I want to thank you for all the Googlers that your lyrics send my way. It seems that apparently many, many people relate to your line "I'm unusually hard to hold onto." And they're searching for you day and night. I guess everyone has those moments where they feel themselves slipping away from someone else's hands.
As for me, I'm a "Head under water and they tell me to breathe easy for awhile" kind of girl...

Yours Truly,
The MML

My Love Is A Fickle Thing

I know, I know, I said I was unplugging for a day or two but that was before The Puppini Sisters made my morning with their cover of this song coming out of my radio:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUx_Wjx_2ek

It is Valentine's Day, after all. Doesn't everyone want to feel a little "Crazy in Love?" Especially if it comes with a '40's kind of feel???

Yeah, I think so.

You Aren't Gonna Believe It But It's True

I'm burning out on the Internet. How did this happen? I'm not sure but I think I might actually need to lay low and unplugged for a few days. Shocking, I know. But, don't worry. I promise I'll get over it soon :)

And Did I Mention

the recurrence of the GOGP dreams is starting to freak me out? Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Flawed Logic Made Me Do It

One guinea pig dies. What do you do? Buy two new ones, of course. Oh, and decide to go to Alaska, too. Because the two things just seemed to go hand in hand.

What Wednesday Had To Teach Me

Gray light and no sleep makes my head ache and my eyes itch. Three episodes of "The Office" and spending time outside at 11:30 on an unseasonably warm February night makes everything better. Yes, I really am that easy to fix.

Stupid Murphy and His Dumb Ol' Law

Why is it when you start to actually get back on track obstacles decide to start throwing themselves in front of you, trying to push you back to exactly where you're escaping from? Argh.

This Is Why I Go It Alone

Today I was trying to be good and get some exercise in. Of course (because we're still in girl world here) Liv wanted to watch. Her comment? "Wow, you look really tall." Yeah, that's the look I was going for. Really, really tall...

It's Definitely Not Cartoons

Girl on Girl Porn. Apparently I dream in it.

The Fat Lady Decided To Start Singing

And so recent good things are coming to an end. You would think I would expect it, wouldn't you? But I'm learning that my ability to hope is much stronger than my ability to reason. The stinkin' secret optimism plays me for a fool again.

It's Almost Time

In 2 quick hours, I'll be dropping off N for his weeklong trip to the Caribbean with the in-laws. With J in Atlanta and N soaking up rays, it'll just be Liv and I here at the house until next Friday. I'm not sure if we can last that long without the boys. It's gonna be strange. I miss them already.

My Heron Has Returned

I call him mine because I doubt there is anyone that gets as much joy as I do from seeing him in the backyard. I'm glad his visits have become regular again. I'd missed watching him from the kitchen window, letting him keep me from my daily routine.

All Signs Point To It

Point 1: Tomorrow is Thursday.
Point 2: The kids don't have school on Friday.
Point 3: Peach Vodka is on my list.
Point 4: I have poison ivy (i.e. - it's basically summertime).

All of which lead to only one question: What time does the EP start?

Random Lyrics

Head under water

and they tell me to breathe easy for a while

The breathing gets harder, even I know that

You make room for me but it's too soon to see

if I'm happy in your hands

I'm unusually hard to hold onto

Blank stares at blank pages

No easy way to say this

You mean well but you make this harder on me

Love Song- Sarah Bareilles

An Unexpected Spot Of Summer

This month has been filled with little momentary sparks of summer, reminders of why I miss longer days and warm nights but this morning I woke up with a summer-y memory that I could live without - a touch of poison ivy. I should've known better than to hang out with boys burning brush but when do I ever pay attention to what I already know?

10:30am Musings

I've decided that for Halloween this year I need to be the Swedish Chef. I really, really do.

1am Musings

After we got home last night I couldn't fall asleep. I'm not sure why...maybe my body had been prepared for a later evening? Maybe I was still feeling the coffee I'd had that afternoon? Either way, I just could not stop tossing and turning, couldn't get comfortable. So instead of getting up and doing something productive I stayed in bed, replaying the evening in my head, planning for future evenings, thinking of things I need to get done, etc, etc and I suddenly realized that for all the talk I do about moving and selling the house, I can't actually picture us leaving. I mean, really, can you ever actually see us not being here, in this neighborhood, having these weekend evenings? I can't wrap my little brain around that possibility. And that's scary since it's inevitable. Eventually.

There's Something About That Clock

Last night I actually caught the clock at 11:11. I don't think anyone would believe how long it's been since this has happened and I made a wish. But, last night, for old time's sake, I decided to make a wish at that magical moment. And then, for old time's sake, at 11:12 I realized that I'm still wishing for the wrong things.

The good news? I turned off the computer and got ready to go to sleep. The clock by my bed? It said 11:11 so I made my responsible wish like I should've the first time. That still counts, right??? We'll just call it a Wish Do Over...

Intentional Ignorance

The signs are all there whether I admit them or not. But, even while ignoring them, I'm trying to fight against myself. Making plans when I don't want to, pushing myself outside the comfort zone, and looking for reasons not to let the slide continue even though the climb back up is so steep. I'm trying. I really am trying.

My Theory Was Right...Unfortunately

Turns out it wasn't the poker-thon or the 1 hour of sleep that did me in Saturday morning. After feeling not so great for two weeks and then stumbling up to bed last night, too tired and miserable to even put the freshly laundered sheets on the bed or close the blinds, I cocooned myself in a quilt and fell asleep sprawled across the bare mattress. I was sick. Sick, sick, sick. In fact the only times I've felt halfway good all week were when I was sipping red drinks and betting chips. I woke up this morning, not to sunlight streaming in but to the sight of a big bright moon outside my window and felt a little better. My fever was gone and I actually thought breakfast was a good idea. But, I think the lesson learned is that alcohol fueled conversation and bad poker hands are still my good friends. Thank goodness the week is halfway over.

The Email Equivalent Of An Awkward Conversation

I just received one of those messages - you know the kind - it's an email that basically says "Have a nice life" without actually saying it. No need for Reading Between The Lines For Dummies - the overly polite response that in no way invites further conversation (ex - "Best of luck with that") is a clue even I can decipher. Well, I tried. And, maybe I should be sad or troubled. That's how I would've been a few years ago. But today when I read that email I just started laughing and said "Ok, then." And then I hit delete. And I liked it.

What To Remember About Karma

She's fast, she has very sharp teeth and she knows where you are hiding.

I don't know how I let myself forget that.

January

If this were any other time, any other month, I would speak. The words would spill as water, impossible to hold back, dripping from between my lips. But the weather is cold and the words hibernate where they should, hidden away behind unwritten rules, curled up in a ball of truth that is not what you think or fear or expect. They curl up tightly against the chill of the wind and the threat of the ice in their nest of caution and wonder, waiting for a small hint of Spring.

Here's The Problem

I'm so far behind that I don't know where to start.

Now Exciting Another One Of Your Senses

You know I can't resist adding things. I. Just. Can't. Help. It. So, I added sound to my blog. Is it too loud? Does it startle you? Annoy you? Because, you know what? I just couldn't help it...

Do any of the songs mean anything? Sure. Am I telling you which ones? Not today.

BTW - you can turn the sound off on the player at the bottom of the page. If you're crazy or dumb or something :)

What The Weekend Has Taught Me

1. I need to get my ass back in gear. Pessimistic or not about selling the house, I've gotta get back to keeping it looking halfway decent. After 10 months, it's frustrating to be cleaning all the time but I'm realizing that that's just too damn bad.

2. On a Saturday morning, the time between 3 and 6am melt away faster than any other time of day.

3. Whenever I think I've got something figured out, I very quickly find out I'm wrong.

I Think I Zigged When I Should Have Zagged

How else to explain the cluster of tiny little bruises all over the top of my foot this morning? I'm not even sure I want to know how that happened...

Snow Day

This time I was ready for the snow day. It's January and here that's when snow is perfectly acceptable. When the automated school recording thing called at 6, I smiled and went back to sleep. Lovely. (Of course, this is also when I muttered "It better actually snow today" because in Virginia, where people seem to fear snow, school is often canceled before the first flake ever falls. Dumb, I know).

So, we went outside and it was beautiful. The snow fell on us the entire time (I tried to take a picture of what I looked like when we came in since I forgot a hat but I couldn't convey the sense of crunchy snow caked hair adequately), it was even deep enough for us to sled without tearing up the grass. Oh, and the sledding. I laughed until I couldn't catch my breath. Although I've never passed out from laughing so hard before, I think I'd like to try it. The kids were great except when S flew into the shed. Knew I should've shut that door... Sorry, S!! M actually got airborne on a solo mission. Awesomely Awesome. Sledding and snow and grilled cheese with tomato soup for lunch. What else do you need? Oh, right, husbands to come home in time for Round 2. That would make it even better.

My Favorite Stalker

Last night I kept waking in the middle of ugly, violent, chilling bad dreams. I go through stages like this every few months and with J sleeping next to me I simply shrugged it off and went back to sleep. But, around 3, after one particularly heart pounding, sweaty dream I got up to wander around in the dark and that's when I saw him low in the sky - Orion. Peeping in my window. And, I realized how much I had missed him over the summer. Was he watching over me or taking creepy pictures? I don't know. Does it matter?

Not Even An Eeek Escaped

After 16 years of driving, it's finally happened. I hit my first animal while driving today. My stepbrother flipped his SUV last week trying to avoid a dog (the dog was killed anyway, my brother crawled out with only some nasty scrapes and bruises) and I had that accident fresh in my mind. Still, I didn't think I'd actually hit the little squirrel that just wouldn't run this morning. I couldn't swerve into oncoming traffic so I slowed down as much as I could and...ugh. Liv was in the car with me and I didn't want to freak her out so I didn't say anything even though inside I was jumping up and down and screeching. Instead, I contorted my face into the ugliest possible position and kept on driving. 16 years and not even a frog or a snake has passed under my tires. I'm really sorry, Squirrel.

As I Creep Closer To 300

Random lyrics have been away for a little while. Today when I heard "World Leader Pretend" from R.E.M. on the radio I knew what I'd be quoting today.

It's amazing what devices you can sympathize, empathize

This is my mistake.

Let me make it good.

I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down.

-

That's exactly what I had been thinking. Without all the coolness of songwriting, of course.

How The Mirror Just Made Me Laugh

Oh, my Mild Mannered Librarian persona is in full swing today. I just caught a glimpse of myself passing by a mirror and actually laughed out loud. Pink, tailored button down shirt, brown shoes, hair in a messy bun-esque updo. The only thing that's saving me today is that I'm wearing jeans instead of a skirt. Now where did I put my glasses...

There's A Teeny, Tiny Chance I Could Be Wrong

Remember when I said that I didn't see the point of a New Year's Resolution? Sitting here sipping my Constant Comment, my little wishy-washy brain is trying to convince me I spoke too soon. But, really, if you resolve to do something and it happens to be January, that doesn't mean it's necessarily a New Year's Resolution, right? Just impeccable timing?

My Original Estimate May Have Been Off

4 books in 12 days means that I may read more each year than I thought. But, surely, it's just because the last few books have been quick and easy. I always try to sprinkle a few classics into my reading and that typically slows me waaaaaay down (Les Miserables, anyone? Ugh.) Anyway, the last two books made me cry so apparently it's time for some lighter reading. Because I need a day or two where I don't have to explain to the kids why a story has made me all teary eyed.

Make No Mistake, It Was Exactly What I Asked For

I woke up this morning thinking that Saturday may have been a bad judgement call from 6:30pm until I fell asleep at 2:30am. But that's what White Cranberry Cosmos and poker will do to you, I guess. It's not the vodka that I'm lamenting. Only my own predictability.

Drug Induced Posts? No. Vacation Needing Posts? Maybe.

It has been brought to my attention that recently my posts have been a little "out there." I'm not exactly sure what that means. But it's probably a good thing that I didn't mention that my cartoon dreaming included everyone also being a human/rabbit cross in animated form. Then you'd really think I'm crazy :)

Anyway, I think that the only cure for my recent alleged bout with insanity is a night filled with poker and cheesy 80's music. Bubble Burster, this is where you step in and help me out. Are you free Saturday? Because my calendar has suddenly cleared up and the blender is calling our names...

Have I Mentioned This Before? If So, It Bears Repeating.

I'm no good at goodbyes or at letting go.
It's likely that eventually I'll die of nostalgia.

Is It Tomorrow Yet?

Today is turning out to be stranger than I'd like. I'm apparently on my own little emotional roller coaster (grouchy, sad, fine, sad, fine, blah). Maybe it's the weather? Maybe it's because I can't get warm today? Maybe I should've known it was going to be a weird day when I woke up this morning dreaming in cartoon?

But, hey, in good news? I'm typing with all 10 fingers again!! Bring on the keyboards... Oh, and if you could throw in a cup of fancy schmancy coffee, that'd be great, too.

He Couldn't Escape My Bad Genes Forever

It's official, starting Friday Noah will be wearing glasses part-time. Poor guy. I think he's plotting ways to disown me and my bad eye DNA.

It Seems I Never Learn

Sometimes my ignorance about people astonishes even me.

This Is What Happens When You Show Your Excitement Too Early In The Day

So yesterday I expressed my unnatural happiness about receiving a 90's classic in the mail. I should've known better. After the kids were snugly tucked in and all was quiet, I sat down eager to start my evening with Angela and her teenage angst. Imagine how crushed I was when I discovered that the disc was broken. Straight down the middle with only the sticker on the front holding the whole thing together. So...what's a girl to do when her cheesy plans for an evening with the TV are destroyed? The only thing left - I watched porn.

Awesome.



Ok, so I'm lying. What? You wanted me to tell you that I watched 3 old episodes of The Office instead? That I thought about popping in Annie? No way. Porn would be much more shocking coming from the MML.

But not that surprising... :)

A Quick Aside

First things first...I'm a big nerd. No question.
Second...I'm a nerd that likes making lists.
Third...people always are asking how many books I read a year (I have no idea why??) I always guess (probably around 4o? 45?) but I've never actually counted. Until now. I'm adding a list here so I can answer this question easily this year.
Warning...I read a lot of junk. Books are my reality TV not my PBS.
Feel free to ignore the list on the bottom right or join me in my indulgence of quick reads and historical fiction. Either way, it's over there waiting...

Unsurprising Revelation

I'm done. At least for a day or two. I'm tired of thinking the same things over and over so I'm desperately searching for distractions instead. Is it wrong that I'm practically giddy because I received disc one of "My So Called Life" from Netflix today? Wait, don't answer that.

By the way, neatly slicing into your finger while making dinner is not the kind of distraction I was looking for. Typing with 9 fingers isn't distracting - just incredibly frustrating. And, can I just say OWWWWWWWWW!

And Before You Draw Conclusions

Or try to read between the lines...I should tell you that I'm not sad or full of angst. It's only the unseasonably beautiful weather that's playing tricks on my thinking today... :)

Balance

The fine line between too much and not enough.

My lack of grace never allowed me to walk that close to the edge without falling one way or the other. And, I've gotta say, middle of the road is looking pretty good from here. If only I could figure out the way back to center...

On The Other Side From Which I Started

I've decided to give up on the answers to the three questions I never asked.

Because I Know You're Dying To Know

How does the MML spend a Sunday night now that reality has returned? Watching Iron Chef America and Property Virgins and reading a book. Fascinating, I know. I can barely believe it myself.

Dear TLG,

You know why I now love you? Not only did you entertain my kids for 3 hours so J and I could catch a dinner and movie with friends last night but you also had Liv playing so hard that she slept until 9:30 this morning. That is no easy feat and I think you will be seeing more of us from now on. Because everybody knows I'll gladly pay $35 to sleep in...

Please, Neighbor, Don't Hurt Me

I promise that I didn't use one ounce of my POS against your Steelers. Before you turn your wrath on me, just remember that I diligently kept your daughter's fish alive for her this weekend while you were away. And you wouldn't hurt a petsitter, would you?

Yes, I'm Talkin' To You

I have so much admiration for those who can find a reason to be motivated this time of year. I'd prefer to hibernate through January and February, maybe waking occasionally to read a book or watch a movie (while properly bundled under blankets, of course). Bet you didn't think I could get any more slackerish, huh? Well, winter is here for me to prove you wrong :)

Do You Realize

that sometimes it's just as hard to be the stubborn one as it is to deal with the stubbornness? Because giving up is always the hardest part.

Winter Is Not Made For Insomnia

I need some sleep. Now. The nights are too freakin' long to start this whole restless thing again so soon. And, yes, it's also too cold to sit outside and brood about it.

The Hazards Of Secret Posting

While my mom was visiting yesterday she asked what I was looking at on the computer. "Oh," I told her, "it's just some blog that I read. It's pretty funny...making fun of people's old family pictures and stuff." Mom just shook her head and said "It's too bad people don't have better things to do with their time." Now, was she commenting on the fact that they were making fun of the pictures or the idea of blogging? Oh, how I hope it was the blogging...because suddenly that would make my goal for 2008 finding lots of bad ways to spend my time...

Happy New Year

So on our way back from hiking today I started thinking that I'm probably supposed to be reflecting on the past year and starting to think about what I want from 2008. But, the truth is I'm not really in a contemplative mood...fresh air sucks it all out of me. I've never been one for resolutions, thinking it's kind of silly to wait until the beginning of a year to make changes if you know you need to make them. Sure, I could say that I want to start exercising in a regular sort of way or I could say that I want to lose 20 pounds or be a better person or whatever else it is that people resolve each year. But, instead, I'm just gonna say that I thought 2007 was going to be a hard, long year. And, you know what? It wasn't. Maybe I shouldn't reveal that despite the rough patches it was one of the best years I've had in a long time. Maybe it was all the backyard camping, margaritas, late nights, blogging, taking charge of the entire householdness of it all. Whatever it was, it was better than I could've hoped and my only wish is that 2008 be just as good. Aliens and all...