Gray

I'm so tired of sunless skies. I swear, I think that if you are prone to bouts of depression (which I'm reluctantly starting to admit I am) Ohio will drive you to the brink. In 2 months I know we've had less than 10 days of sun (including that hour yesterday). I wasn't expecting this...it's not like we're in Seattle or London, it's the Midwest! Tornadoes, yes. Constant clouds, not so much. That human feeling I mentioned previously? Totally gone again. Now I'd rather have a shot (or 4) of vodka and a nap.

Did I mention it's supposed to snow again tonight? Arrggghhhh!! Good thing there are cookies (i'm finished baking so i can't complain about them anymore :)) and Charlie Brown to cheer me up!!

Ridiculous

You would never believe how happy the single (rare) hour of sunshine that poked its head through the clouds today made me. I almost, for a brief moment, felt like a human.

Holiday Secrets

While I love Christmas and being all full of holiday joy and love, I'm beginning to hate making cookies. I love the idea of making cookies and, God knows I love eating cookies but the mess? and the time? and the mess? Ugh. How did I help create a child that could bake 24/7 if I let her? Maybe if I didn't try to make them all in one day? Because, I swear to you, I'm drowning in cookies and that is not cool.

The First 12 Years

I am not perfect or even good. I am not deserving of all this, of you. Perhaps it is simply luck or divine grace that allows me to be here for reasons unknown. Perhaps it is to help me be more than I could be on my own. Perhaps it is because it is how it was always meant to be. I am not perfect or even good but I am thankful, every single day for this, for us.

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From the book J gave me on our first anniversary shortly after we had seen Il Postino -

Sonnet LXIX

Maybe nothingness is to be without your presence,

without you moving, slicing the noon

like a blue flower, without you walking

later through the fog and the cobbles,

without the light you carry in your hand,

golden, which maybe others will not see,

which maybe no one knew was growing

like the red beginnings of a rose.

In short, without your presence: without your coming

suddenly, incitingly, to know my life,

gust of a rosebush, wheat of wind:

since then I am because you are,

since then you are, I am, we are,

and through love I will be, you will be, we'll be.

Pablo Neruda

Where Do I Go From Here?

I've been thinking about blogging lately but I haven't been doing a lot of blogging lately. I've been facebooking and emailing and reading other blogs but I've been less than inspired to post anything on my own. And then I figured it out...this blog has changed from it's original intentions. At first it was a free form, random thought filled, vague word way to say what's on my mind. I didn't feel the need to explain anything or be anything or edit myself. But then I started morphing it into something else...something that was aware that other people were reading, was aware that judgements could be made or that I could offend. The truth is I like being vague and not explaining myself. I like writing down whatever floats into my head. And, so, that's what I'm going back to...blogging about what I want to blog about, saying what I want to say...no editing, no censoring. Don't say I didn't warn you...