The Best Cliche

Tonight I was a giant, messy, emotional wreck. I won't go into details. Just know it has to do with my childhood and those who were close to me then. I felt shut out of what once was my life and it hurt. (It still hurts, I'm not gonna lie). But, you know what? There are three amazing men out there who love me and hate to see me sad. And I realized sometimes love really is all you need.

Thank you J, P, and R. It doesn't seem so bad when I know you are by my side.

So, Guess What? (An Experiment in Returning to Reality)

I may have gotten a job. Just a temporary seasonal thing and I'll be up 'til 2 am every night for a few weeks but I have (almost) a job. The paperwork hasn't gone through yet but the offer was made and accepted. It's old hat for me (call center, customer service work) but this time I'll be working from home. I think I'm more nervous about ambient noise interfering than I am about anything else. And I'm not quite sure how to juggle home life. After all, I'll be sleeping some during the day (while the kids are in school) and working during dinner and homework time. But, it's only for 6 weeks and it's new (which is always good) and it's mine. I'm not sure how I feel but I think it's good.

I Hate When I'm Stupid

Sometimes the worst part about having a one-track mind is that you forget that it shouldn't be that way. I wish I could think of other things at the same time. I never, ever learn!!!

A Continuing Theme

A friend said to me recently, "No one brags about being content." And it's true. But maybe we should. After all, being happy-happy can't last forever, right? You have to have downs to feel the ups more completely. Content is more long term, isn't it? I've complained about unhappily content since before this blog was born when instead maybe I should be nothing but grateful for such ease of mind. GW, if you still read, what do you think? Are you happy or content or something else? Is content really that bad, after all? I really want to know...

Wonderland

So I had a really rough morning. I'm not sure why. There's nothing going on that should cause such a morning. In fact, if I'm being honest, everything has been sweet and good. But, it's been rough somehow. I think part of it, part of why I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing, is because I find myself feeling like these good things are happening to me because no one really knows I'm undeserving of them. I then feel this pressure to live up to what I think these expectations are and I get stressed out and break down. It's ridiculous, of course. If someone loves me then they know who I am, many, many flaws and all. I find myself being wishy-washy and not knowing what to do or who to be or what to think and I cry; too much lately for someone that feels that things are pretty good. I think mostly I'm confused. Confused about lots of things and lots of feelings and, damn, I just wish I didn't live in my head so much!! I'm tired of whining about things when there is nothing left to whine about. So today when one of my Facebook friends posted the quote below as his status it finally hit me. Maybe I just need to pick a path.

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." ~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

This Is Not What I Do

I don't stress out often or worry about things that haven't happened yet. It's just not my way. But, hmm..., I'm stressing now. I think we've bitten off more than we can chew. It's like eating a peanut butter sandwich with no drink. Hard to swallow.



Still happy, though. Stressed but happy. What do you call that emotion??

It's Been A Long Time

More happy than content, a fantastic weekend, an amazing husband, and things falling into place. What more could I need? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What's better than writing bad poetry to celebrate...after all, it's been a long, long time :)

I am not a crier

Or a teller of secrets

And yet...

I do not often speak my mind

Or engage in brutal honesty

And yet...

I am still a wisher

A hoper

A dreamer of ridiculous dreams

And yet...

I find myself filled up, sated, satisfied

To the core of my marrow

And yet...

It is not enough.

I want it spilling from my lips

And dripping from between my fingers

Until I am left naked, shaking, shattered,

My heart bruised and worn,

My head tumbled and confused.

It can never be enough.

And yet, and yet, and yet...

It is everything.

Dear Blog,

I've missed you but I have nothing new to say, nothing cryptic, nothing sad, nothing wistful or psuedo deep, not even any bad haiku!! I've thought about deleting you but I'm just not ready to let you go. *Sigh* What to do, what to do? I think I'll keep you around until I figure it out

The MML

*Sigh*

Why is making the right decision sometimes the hardest thing to do? And am I such a good actor that no one notices I'm struggling? Apparently so. *Sigh*

Wasting Time

It's been one of those days. Grey and rainy and windy and cold. Instead of getting things done I'm reading poetry and daydreaming. Shhh...don't tell.

I've always been indifferent to Tennyson. But I liked this stanza from Maud when I read it today.

Half the night I waste in sighs,

Half in dreams I sorrow after

The delight of early skies;

In a wakeful doze I sorrow

For the hand, the lips, the eyes,

For the meeting of the morrow,

The delight of happy laughter,

The delight of low replies.

Random Thought

Is it weird that I'm considering selling my plasma? I mean, I donated blood every 8 weeks for a long, long time. This is basically the same thing...except it takes 2 hours at a time and they pay me a small amount. Wonder if I'll still get cookies and juice?? What are reasons not to?

Back To Basics

I'm still finding myself chasing after something and not knowing where to find it or even what it is. It's not what I thought it was and contentment is losing its lustre again. Maybe I need to start back at the beginning, simplify, remind myself what I'm doing and why I'm here. There must be an answer, right? Shouldn't I have this figured out already? 33 1/2 years seems like long enough.

I'm No Superman

Why is it that lists of random questions always want to know what super power you'd pick if such a thing was really possible? And why is it that people always want to fly? I understand the fascination with flying. There's freedom and joy and convenience packaged up nice and neat. But I've never had that desire. I don't get it. Why flying? Is it because of Superman? Or some primal need to have something that we weren't meant to have?

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be able to read minds. (Sure, sure, for a while I wanted to have x-ray vision but that's because I was a gutter-mind. Even in elementary school). Maybe it's because I'm terrible at reading people. I can never trust my instincts when it comes to knowing what people are really thinking. I doubt sincerity. I'm unsure about intentions. I misread situations and I put my own feelings onto other people. How amazing would it be to just know what someone means? To know what someone is feeling? I realize it's part of being human to hide our thoughts, to conceal our emotions, to lie, to do what it takes to get what we want. But I want truth. I want to know what runs through someone else's head. Sure, it's an easy way fix. And, of course, it would cause more problems than it solves. And, yes, I realize that the novelty would wear off quickly. (And I'd certainly never want someone to read my mind! It's bad enough my face is so easy to read). But, I have no interest in Superman. I don't want to fly. I only want to know people better; the deep down truth that is in each of us. For now, until someone comes along and offers me the super power of my choice, I'll just continue happily misreading situations, over analyzing conversations, and enjoying figuring it out on my own. It's part of my charm, ya know :)

Just Because It's Wednesday

A little pop-folk/pop culture mix by Kay Pettigrew. I think I like her version better...sorry, Will Smith

The Link

I always thought I knew how it worked but now I know I was right. Distraction is the key. And I am full of distractions now.

Stop Me If I'm Repeating Myself

"Every word is nonsense but I understand it all.
Oh, Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing."

An oldie but goodie (Anna Begins - Counting Crows)


The problem with resolving to yourself not to talk anymore about the weather or lack of sleep is that the only thing left to talk about is reality. That terrifies me.

On a Roll

Two nights of good sleep in a row (quality if not quantity, anyway). Maybe this week is finally starting to look up. Man, I hope so.

Insomnia

I need to find a way to fall asleep soon before I fall apart. The cracks are already starting to show.

Waiting for the Benadryl to Kick In (pt 2)

It's not summer so why am I itchy and splotchy? My eyes and my feet are driving me crazy...but everything in between is perfectly fine. What kind of allergen causes that? It's almost like my body misses poison ivy and springtime pollen so it's decided to just randomly have an allergic reaction. Oh well, I have 30-45 minutes before the benadryl hits me to figure it out. After that I'll be sleeping very, very well...

But I Hate Going To The Doctor

Can you be a hypochondriac if you rarely go to the doctor? If you only have the feeling that something is wrong? If you scour the internet diagnosing yourself? Hmmm...probably so. I don't really think I'm a hypochondriac but maybe I should make an appointment. If nothing else, I'm 33 which means I should probably start getting some of those old people tests done like cholesterol and...um...whatever else old people get tested for :)Consider it a New Year's Resolution.