Gray

Winter is sneaking up on me. I can feel it already in the dark mornings and cloudy skies. I love fall. I love the crackle of the fallen leaves under my feet. I love the way the trees look when they are naked and exposed. I love the smell of wood burning in the fireplace. But, I'm beginning to admit that the shorter days of fall are hard on me. I've begun to equate summer and warmth with my happiness and winter's cold with my own darkness.

I've never been officially diagnosed with depression but I see it in myself. I am following in the footsteps of my mother and my grandmother and my great-grandmother. Women who get anxious and restless and tired of life. Women who carry on anyway.

It's easy to give advice...go outside, get moving, find friends, do stuff. I tell myself those things every day but I can't MAKE myself listen. There is only the weight of responsibility bearing down on me. Making me go through the motions. Making me wanting to scream with frustration or cry or disappear. My mom has recently been talking about leaving without warning for awhile. Taking off and going away without a word. She only told me so I don't worry. What I didn't say to her was that I'm jealous that she has that option.

The funny thing is that my life is good. I have a family that is better than anything I could have ever dreamed of. My husband has a job that allows me to stay home with the kids. We have a warm home with food on the table. We laugh a lot. We are content. There is nothing more to ask for.

So, how do you say you're depressed? How do you explain this darkness to someone who doesn't even know if he believes that depression is a real thing? I've decided you don't. You just push through and hope it goes away. And it will. For me. At least for a little while...once summer comes back around.

Flashback

The radio today was full of songs from the summer I started this blog. That crazy summer when I didn't sleep and my thoughts came in haiku form. When every word was a reason to keep my eyes open just a little bit longer. When I worried about loneliness but found friendship instead. It was a strange summer when exhilaration coursed through my blood at random hours. Those songs I heard today, those pop anthems of that last summer in my old home, they made me nostalgic for a time that I'll never get back and a place that I may never find again. Do I miss those few months? Hmmm. Sometimes. Especially when it's hot outside and I can't relax. When I'm itchy and restless I think about those long, smiling nights. But, mostly, here (and now) is where I want to be.

Fine

So I might just be the dumbest human in the world. Or the worst wisher, perhaps.

I finally fulfilled one of last year's New Year's Resolutions. I promised that I'd go get an annual physical. Something I hadn't done since I was 18. I rarely get sick and longevity runs in my family so I just hadn't made it a point to get things like my cholesterol and blood pressure checked. I knew I should but...eh...I can procrastinate like nobody's business.

This year I actually had a financial incentive to get it done. J's company offers a good chunk of money if you get a physical and all "age-appropriate" tests done. So, look at me go! I made my appointment and went to the doctor. 9 months before the last minute! I'm pretty sure this is an anti-procrastinating record for me. One of my concerns (and big pushes to go ahead and make the appointment) was my constant fatigue. I am tired all the damn time. When I take a nap and don't set the alarm, it's not unusual for me to sleep for 3 or 4 hours and wake up barely feeling better than I did before I laid down. I cancel plans because I'm too tired. I don't get as much done as I should because I can't shake the yawns and sleepy eyes and the call of the bed. This has been going on way too long. I constantly feel guilty because I want to sleep.

And so I went to my appointment with my new doctor. I instantly liked her. She was attentive and spent a huge amount of time with me. She gave me the standard exam and then we started talking about my fatigue. She asked about my sleep habits and my state of mind. We talked about family history in case that offered any clues. And, finally, she ordered a bunch of tests.

I know it's silly but I was so anxious for all that blood work. I just knew they'd find the answer and then I could fix the problem. My blood pressure? Fantastic. My cholesterol? Excellent. Blood sugar? Good. Thyroid? Good. Iron levels? Normal. Liver function? Yep. Good. And on and on and on. Test after test and everything is great. She even tested me for early signs of lupus (because my grandmother has it). I got those results today and, again, everything is fine.

I'm perfectly healthy, apparently. And, I'm grateful for that. I really, really am. Please don't think I'm wishing for bad health. I just want to know why I feel so tired all the time. I honestly couldn't tell you a time when I felt good. When I felt like I had energy. Surely, this isn't normal? My hair has become crazy thin and I'm tired and all my tests are good. I guess this is just the point where I suck it up and live with being "fine." Being healthy but feeling unhealthy.

How dumb am I to be bummed by weeks of testing showing that everything looks great? Sounds like I need to take a little time to really sit back and count my blessings. After all, I know that being careful what you wish for is a very important lesson and I may have lucked out this time.

Again and Again and Again

So, yes, I'm doing the same old song and dance again and trying to be healthier. I swear I have the best of intentions but, geez, my follow through SUCKS!

But I'm trying again. Again. I started tracking my calories this week and, once more, I'm shocked by how little I eat. It seems that I should be much thinner because of this but apparently I don't starve myself enough to be "starving" but I don't eat enough calories to give me the energy I need. My metabolism is obviously paying the price. Strangely, unlike normal people that have to try to cut back on eating, I'm finding myself looking at 300 calories to still "spend" after dinner every night. This seems like a good problem to have because I like food!! The goal, of course, is to eat healthy things. I'm finding that I need more protein...it's been very, very hard for me to reach the minimum for my weight and activity level (umm...high and low, respectively). So, I'm going to track and think and try this eating right thing again. Maybe this time I'll see the scale move. Maybe I'll discover some energy. Maybe I'll just be better.

I've also discovered that my months and months of neck pain need to be looked into. (Duh). I was hoping that maybe exercise would stretch me out, loosen me up, and fix it. But now, instead of the pain just causing lots of headaches, it's decided to radiate into my back and shoulder and jaw and down my arm. Awesome! See, People, this is why exercise is bad. (And for the record, I am starting out slowly. There is no way I overdid it. My neck just hates me, that's all). And, yes, I do accept free massages. Thanks for asking. Please come soon!

Anyway, it's the same old story on a new day in a new month in a new year. We'll see what happens. Maybe I'll finally discover that willpower I've been looking for...

It's An Earworm...Without The Music

Lately I can't stop thinking about traveling. I guess it's because we got back from vacation 2 months ago and I'm ready to go again. I love planning trips. I love dreaming about trips. And, boy, do I love going on trips.

We decided a couple years ago that we'd try to alternate domestic and international vacations and I love thinking about where we'll go next. (I should mention that we're gonna have 2 domestic trips in a row this time because 2010's Disney trip was expensive!! But I love the Mouse so he's forgiven...)

So, for a couple of weeks now I've been planning and list making and budgeting. This year's fall trip is figured out and will be paid for next month. And you know what that means? It means that I have to start planning for the next year's trip and the one after that and the one after that. Because I just like dreaming about it so darn much!! Don't get me wrong, I love the day-to-day moments with my family. I don't live my life too far in the future. But a girl's gotta dream and this is what I dream about.

And if I've maybe already planned our vacations now through 2014...well, so what? I'm a freak. A happy, list-making freak :)

(and in my defense, the 2014 trip is still open for debate...)